The One Rave Accessory You Need to Get a Cuddle Buddy

So the music is blaring, you’re high off your tits, you’ve expressed your unyielding appreciation towards your best mate for the 3rd time in a row and you’ve added the 3 “sik-kients” on FB whom you’ve just met. Now that the pleasantries are over, it’s time the night really begins—it’s time to find your cuddle buddy.

But how? How do you approach that ambivalent, yet gorgeous LG batting her fake lashes in every direction except yours?

Well, I’m glad you asked…

You see, there is a method to this. A method that we’ve refined over countless repetitions of trial and error and today I’m about to illuminate it to you. So get ready you awkward potato, cause I’m about to show you the way. 

Step 1: Understanding Rave Culture

It’s no surprise that the vast majority of attendees will NOT be attending this Rave sober. For this reason, raves are actually one of the easiest places to pick-up.

Now disclaimer, I’m not saying you should take advantage of anyone incapable of handling themselves, that’s fucked, don’t do that… However, those that are there to enjoy the show have an elevated sense of comfort and familiarity to those around them. While it sounds cliche, at a rave everyone feels like one large tribe. It’s easy to be vulnerable with one another and much more affectionate. Understanding this context allows you to move in ways that may seem odd or socially inappropriate.

 

Step 2: The Essential Rave Accessory

So how do you approach? Well, first you’re going to need a weapon for a more civilised age… Just kidding, the accessory you’re going to need is a fan. It doesn’t really matter what fan you have but preferably, one of those large durable ones that generate a solid breeze. Take a look at our top pick here;

Rave Fan

Raves get hot and sweaty. After all, there are thousands of sweaty people all congregated together high on substances that heat them up. Everyone feels the heat; you, me, the-sweaty-guy-who-keeps-asking-for-a-head-massage and that cute Asian girl to your right, that you’ve been eyeballing awkwardly for the last 30 minutes.

So blink a few times to stop your eyes from rolling, galvanise your 3 working brain cells and strut over to her. Also, try not to trip, that looks bad. Then while wearing your most endearing smile possible, whip out your fan and start fanning. 2 things will happen here:

 

She expresses gratitude and reacts warmly to you.

Or she may or may not express gratitude and react coldly to you.

 

  1. If you feel that she was warm move onto Step 3. If you feel she’s not
  2. feeling it move onto another girl. Trust me, there are plenty.

 

Step 3: Offer The Massage

If she reacts positively and you’re feeling a connection. Move a little closer, maybe dabble in a little small talk, then ask her these magic words.

 

“Do you want a head massage?”

 

Believe it or not, this is a perfectly normal question to ask at a rave. If she says yes, gauge how comfortable she is. Start with her hand and move to her head. If you don’t know how to give a head massage, well… It’s not that hard, high-gacked-cunts can do it so go figure it out.

 

End the massage with you wrapping your arms around her into a tight hug. If you finish and she is still reacting warmly to you proceed to Step 4. If she graciously thanks you and looks to rejoin her friends, smile then go find another girl. Trust me there are plenty.

 

Step 4: The Magic Question

If she’s thanking you profusely for the massage, acclaiming that you’re “sooo good”. It’s time to move onto the magic question. Chances are if you’ve come this far, what you want from her is an explicit invitation to continue. You want to ask her “Hey are you okay with you and me getting more intimate?”. What’s a better way to say that doesn’t sound like you have a dick in your throat?

 

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

 

This question is magical. It immediately polarises her and sets your intentions clear. It also shows that you are a moral guy that would never go for a girl who was attached. If she says “No” and is still warm towards you, do a mini fist pump when she’s not looking and proceed to Step 5.

 

If she says “Yes”, stop there and go and find another girl. Yes, I mean that, go and find another girl… It’s shitty to get with peeps that are attached and you don’t want to run into some jacked mofo when you can hardly see straight.

 

Step 5: Cuddle

As soon as you get the go-ahead, cuddle her from behind. Enjoy cuddling your LG to the sound of euphoric vocals and blaring lasers. From here I leave you to your own imagination. You can ask her profession, her values, her passions. Or you can shut the fuck up and just enjoy the rave. Whatever you like, I leave it up to you.

 

Additional Tips; Don’t let her slip away

Unless she’s adamant that she wants to part from you, try not to let her out of your sight. If she wants to go get water, go and get it with her. Raves are dark and crowded areas if you lose her for even a moment, it’s unlikely you’ll find her again. And if you do, it will probably her with pashing some other jacked guy that kinda looks like you. Unless you’re bored and want to get with someone else, keep her close.

 

Final Word

That’s the recipe. All you need is a fan, an endearing non-threatening smile and a bit of intuition and you’re off to the races. Good luck rave rat I wish you the best!

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